Btwn being bored and being busy

Life is just such. When one has too much work, then one would complain endlessly. I have been woverworked. Too much work cannot cope.

When you have nothing much to do, you become so lethargic and bored. Falling asleep. Time passes by so slowly.

Gosh.. can't we have something in between. Between not so busy and not so idle? isn't there a median anymore?

anyways falling ZZZZzzzzz. Waiting for the time to pass seems like a major torture. its not even 4pm yet. Darn...

Pretending to be busy is getting harder and harder.

Well , i don't think its becoz there i snothing to do. I just don't know what is there to do.
Sucks.

Beauty of Life

Sometimes I wonder whats the beauty of life. I hear people talk about life all the time. Is there such thing as beauty of life? When i drive or when I am in the train or at a restaurant, i see some people - struggling thru life. I think about the taxi drivers, who has to be in the car the whole day; driving up and down. What more when traffic is at its most horrendous pace.

At times like this, I am thankful that I have a job. But when i think about it further, its not that I am not thankful I have a job, its just that I want life to be more than just a job. Its like I want to live life to the fullest - like when I wake up I have the time to go smell the rose, admire the break of dawn, take naps when I want. That's not idealistic you say?

That is why I do wonder people who has to work so hard, and like the labourer - does any of them actually see the beauty of life? If they do, then its so amazing. Either they are just too naive of they have certain believe that its not happiness doesn't lie in this material world. But I don't think I am a materialistic person. I mean i buy stuff but doesn't matter to me whether its guess or topshop or mng or some pasar malam crap. I will buy and wear them. I bought so many type of bajus from thailand and one from indon. When you wear them on, who can tell. But i see alot of people just buy for the sake of the brand. But then again maybe becoz ofmy physic I cant' fit some of the expensive but meant for scrawny people :P What to do, I have big thighs due to my running days in school.

Somtimes when I am asleep, or rather when I am half asleep - can't sleep well. I do get this thoughts running in my head that I wish I am dead. For the past few nites, the anxiety was high, therefore, i start praying the rosary of liberation - but still i dont' find peace. I doze off for a bit but then I wake up again and see that its just 5am. Everday its a routine. Then sometimes, I tell God, I don't want to be alive , Lord. I know thats bad but thats how I feel.

Have you heard of the word Carpe Diem?! I wish i can say that...... about how i live my life.

I haven't yet have the guts to call the counselling center.

I hope EM will call me......

Just about nothing and about everything

Its Sunday already. At least yesterday (SAT) I didn't have to work esp it being the 3rd sat of the month. Gosh for the past 8.5 years , I never did have to worry about which Sat i had to be at work. This sucks. I am looking forward to another job that can give me the 5 days effect man. This sucks.

Anyways, my anxiety is still high, it can't seem to be able to be calmed down. Its just rising higher and higher and even taking naps in the afternoon seems fruitless.

I went for a healing session at Chris's house last thursday. My sis-in-law was there too. There is this one indian lady who is really really gifted. She has the gift of being able to see what is happenning and also get messages from Holy Spirit during the praying over. But too bad, my turn came only at 11+pm when she had already gone home. Anyways, there is another lady who has about the same gift but just that hers is not usually as long and detailed as the Indian lady's.

I was told by this other lady that "You have asked and Have been Given, Now seek and you will find" Wow.... so makes me think now or rather for a few days now. Do I know exactly what I am seeking for? I asked for a job and I got it. I didn't ask for this Managerial job which i told the guy too - the one who was praying over me. But he said then this is the one for you. But even after the healing session, I myself am not sure. I wasn't able to sleep that nite too. I saw the sacred heart of Jesus during my rest in the spirit. Very far far away at the right hand corner and I told the team there. Chris says that " Bring Him closer". He also mentioned that i have lack of faith.

I guess my spiritual life has been a roller coaster on and off. Sometimes I am at the higher level of spirituality, but sometimes, I am just at the lowest point.

Today I kept pondering on the "Seek and You shall find" statement. I talked to my sister about it, she said maybe this job isn't for you. But you asked and have been given, now you need to open your eyes to find what is there and you will find it. But I dont' know why, i have this faint feeling in my heart that I am seeking for my direction in life. This job doesn't feel like one that would make me happy - as in like i feel alive kinda feeling. Maybe I am asking for too much. I certainly don't know.

I want to be healed of this sickness in me. The sickness that is running through my thoughts and my life. But what do I need to do to attain that. I am pretty much very tired. Extremely tired and maybe that is why I feel like totally giving up.

" Ask and You shall be given, Seek and You shall find, knock and the door will be opened for you"

I need to find my direction in this life...

complacent and contentment

Okie, I know i wrote in the blog this morning. But i just feel like writing again.

I spoke to my friend just now on the way back from work. YES i left on the dot. My team members were still at work. But i cabut. Nothing to do what. If people green eye that's their problem.

Its hard being a leader when you haven't been one before. Anyways.....I have been having sleepless nites. I wonder when this will end. Oh yeah, as i was saying, my friend told me that maybe i was too complacent and contented at my previous job and now that I left, nothing seem to be able to compare to it. Maybe thats true.

I find this job hard coz i have to know the terms and such and i can see its just the 1st week and my team members are already disrespectful coz they think they know alot. And what more freshies leh.

I am learning as much as I can, and I choose to ask people with experience. And the problem is the ladies I am getting help from are going for maternity........... shit luck or what.

But you know what my phone no this time is damn nice.... and id also damn nice.. no 4444 like previously short lived job. hahahaha.

I am totally a basket case... i am seriously thinking of seeking help from a councillor.

Never Ending Nerve Racking Situation

Okay, 1 st week at new job. How? Filled with nerve racking situation. Firstly, dont' know no banking jargon. Secondly, no experience as someone's manager what more for 6 people. I was unable to sleep from monday nite onwards. Everynite i am just in a daze. i can't sleep. I keep thinking what if i can't do it. Then how?

Then yesterday all hell broke lose. I was told I am to do review of coding of my team. HOW? Manager have to be doing programming also, I die loh!!!!!!!!!!

I want to leave this corporate shit! GIve me ideas on what else i can do. If there is something i can do but have no background in that, what can i do to get myself equiped and trained? I need to seriously think about it. I need to think as job as not just as a job. But something i would like to do ... when i wake up i am happy. Sound not idealistic? I think it can be done. I have seen people do it. WHY NOT ME

Whats your purpose here....

Lately, maybe becoz i have too much time on my hands. I have been pondering alot about what life means to me.

For the past 1.5 weeks, I have been waking up and being idle the whole freaking day. Just feel daze, walking around the house. Last of whole week I didn't even step foot out from the house. Not even to the garden. All I did was, wake up.... get online. Chat abit. Watch tv. Try to sleep in the blinking heat in the afternoon. which always fails as its burning hot in my room. So i end up watching all the telenova - the spanish dramas, the filipino drama on tv. hahaha. Talking about being such a couch potato.

On top of all that, I have been having anxiety attack quite alot lately. Out of the blue, i will feel a pang of panic. Be it the new job or thinking about growing older next year. When I look back, it seems that I have not achieved much. Is it that I haven't achieved much or what I have achieved doesn't bring meaning to my life.

I totally envy people who embraces life totally. They live everyday like there is no tomorrow. But I wonder though, how these people condition their minds? Isn't it human that we think about how to survive , about $$$, about our daily needs?

Afew days ago i came across a reading from Luke which reads : Trust God.
In there it says that we shouldn't worry too much about what to eat and wear as the birds and cows doesn't worry and God clothes them and provide for them. We being higher level than these two how can God not provide for us? Very meaningful. I guess its also a flaw in us humans that we always think about our needs beyond any other things. But to reach that leve of trust of not worrying about anything but just live life.. will be alot of hardwork for such a person like me.

Also of late, I kept thinking I will be turning another year older.. and soon will hit the mid 30s... its such a scary thought.

Sometimes, I have dreams about Tao - dunno where she is now. Maybe in cyprus happily married. Sometimes I have dreams about Iowa.. the snow... happy smiley faces of all the people i have known during University days.... I miss that. Maybe that was the happiest moment in my life.... That is why sometimes my mind just wills itself back to that moment.

Maybe, I am so unsettled in this period of my life ( that is the 8 years i started working) is becoz i long for the times , those happy times i have left behind.... At that time, I realized i never had to worry much about $$$ , about bf.. or anything. At that time I thought everything will fall into place. My goal was to get a degress , graduate with honors.. make the dean list every semester never letting my cgpa drop.. I had a purpose, I have a goal in life.

then when i started working reality struck. What has happened to me.. What happened to the charasmatic and confident person?

These 1.5 weeks... the only thoughts that kept coming back is that I don't want to work anymore. I even told my mom that, she said, you can do that but you will no money to spend. That's the world isn't it. The real world. Everything boils down to money.

I need to seek my dream again.. what is that. Is it being a good housewife.. and taking care of my kids( if i do ever have any) or being a successful working person. AT this point i think i will opt for the former. But time is running out... biological clock is ticking like mad dog....

If I do have a dream or goal , will my life have more meaning. Will i wake up with a purpose in this life?

Do you think it would make a difference where I physically am? Be it in MY or AU?

I am just like the lost souls.....

Weird-ness

I guess being human, there are areas about humans that we cant' understand ourselves. I for one, sometimes do not even understand what I want. I totally admire those people who really knows what they want. But I wonder does this change with each phases of life or is it constant.

I have been at home for 4 days nows. Shame to say I have accomplished nothing. Absolutely nothing. I spend my time basically watching tv and sleeping. Even getting online has been minimized. i only get online, chat with some friends - always less than 1 hour duration.
surfing also nothing much to surf.

so i usually complain, I need a break, now I am getting my break. But .... am i wasting it all away hahahaa... feel so dead. Funny how time passes so fast when I am at home :)

I think i have to live for today!!!!!

The deed is done

Hmm.. so the deed was done last friday. So now what? At that moment it felt so good. But now, the worries are slowly flooding back. I feel like my mind is blank at the moment. Waiting for something good to some my way. I dont' know.

I may have gone insane! Need some professional help!!! hahahaa.

oh yeah i forgot some details about the Jakarta trip. They have this blue mountain card and posters thingy!!!! wow reminds me so much of the university book store at UNI that sells all these things. See so Americanized. Also they have Wendy's there.

What to do lah... with my life... i thought i should feel happy which i did on friday. I felt liberated but now what!?!?!?!

Test

Testing from email. lets see if this works.




__________________________________
Do you Yahoo!?
New and Improved Yahoo! Mail - 100MB free storage!
http://promotions.yahoo.com/new_mail

Jakarta

OIts been a while since the last time I actually did any writing. Hmm. how come this font is different? Didn't change anything though.

On 23rd for July at 6pm right before I stepped out the door - I was informed that I was to be in Indonesia on Monday.  Boy was I pissed. And then after talking my parents, they were not happy about me being a single travelling to such place. Anyways... phone call to both the dick head and the head of the dept - turned out to be negative and both giving the same crap answer.
And the worse part of all dickhead only called at 10pm on sunday when he had friday nite and sat full day and sunday full day to call me. That shows what a dickhead he is. He doesn't deserve to walk on planet earth as a human being.

Anyways, on monday I flew to Jakarta.  They had a car waiting for me so all I had to do was to go to the taxi counter and look for my name. The taxi - the infamous one apparenlyt is called Silver bird. Seems like everyone keep telling me I should always take Silver Bird. Maybe its for safety and also that they won't con you hahaha.  Maybe!

Training was duts. Nothing to gain. Waste of blinking time.

But.... one relevation during this trip was that Jakarta had better malls then here!!!!!! I went to Taman Anggerik mall and Plaza Senayan and also Plaza Senanggi - oh boy!!!!! I guess the people there if they are rich they are mighty rich.  They all the branded stuff..... like nine west and althete foot.  when you first look at it, it would seem like you're either overseas in some american mall or.... singapore mall.. minus the crowd of course.  Cheezeeee... malaysia kalah teruk lah.....

I found a new craft too called pin art.. cool!!! i bought 2 back. obviously at the immigration I was asked to open my bag to be checked coz all the pins rite? They think I might bringing it to the plane and poke people. DUH.. checking in the bag lah!!!!

Thats all for now....
job front.. currently one still sucks but merdeka soon... as for the new one.... hopefully... the decision to be made is the right one....

lost in the limbo land.

Is it wrong to just be who you are!? Can your friends accept you for who you are. Whether you're those who are lost in your own world or one who is lost in yourself - dont' know what to do about your life. I think people shouldn't critize others so much. Do they think they are perfect beings? Every individual is different. If everyone is exactly the same and think exactly the same - wouldn't we then be andriods?

Some people say, may say, you shouldn't just talk and say about things, you should do something about it. If only life was so easy. If life was just about black and white. If life is just about you and whatever decisions you make doesn't affect anyone else. But in reality thats not the case right? Everything you do, you are not the only person affected.

For instance, if I chose not to work anymore be a bum. I have to move back home and rely on my retired parents. How long can they take it? They will probably be worried to their wits about whats happening to this daughter of theirs. Do i want to bring this unnecessary torture to their life considering that my sis-in-law and my brother is going thru such hard times right now. I shouldn't just be a selfish toad and think only of myself.

But sometimes I think, Its my life, don't I have the choice to decide what i want to do. Don't I have the choice to choose whether i want to be a bum or not? Sigh... I guess i Do but not only my life will be affected.

I spoke to Azee lately, of course she and I both know that I have been in this depressive mood for years now. Some people think I am not doing anything about it. I have my ups and downs. AT times, life is just okay, somtimes I go thru such bad times, I can't even take it anymore. Those are the times, I wish I am dead. I really mean it. Yes, my life may not be as bad as some other people other out there. But to me its bad enough that I feel life is not worthwhile. I know I have to get out this. But I don't know the way out.

I realized over the years, I have lost the sense of who I am. Did I once knew who I was? I sometimes can't even hear my heart... i don't know what my heart tells me anymore. Its like I am lost. I think alot of people won't understand that. They will say snap out of it. I wish it was so easy. Its tough to get people to understand who you are. They just have their preconception of what and how things should be. How a person should be. Snap out of it ifyou're in depression or sad. I can understand now why some people wnat to end their lives. Coz they feel life is just a bleaaahh.. nothing to look forward to. Lost in a limbo land that no one has helped them to pull out and they don't know how to do it on their own. I hope i won't come to that state.

I once was so different. I remembered coming home from the states filled with energy and life. What happened in the last 8 years? I have yet to find out the root cause. I dont' know if I ever will. Yas my childhood friend tells me that she see me fighting within myself everyday. She said, when you're not settled internally, it will show out externally in reality like maybe all the troubles and problems i see. She believes I should not fight within me. Do what I like.. Hear what my heart tells me. But I don't hear it.. sometimes I wonder if its just the lunacy of my mind talking. I don't know anymore. Have you ever been in that state? Have you? Can you say you can snap out it just like that? (snap of the finger?)

what next?

Dreadful week.

so given the cold shoulder and the very pally couple is making me sick to the pits. The senior guy lets calle him K and the dickhead boss lets call him D. Anyways.... K has been ratting behind our backs. Our here refers to the Junior and myself.

Anyways.... i can't wait to get out.

My sis-in-law is back from TA. She isn't feeling well. Last nite i was home, she now stays at my uncle's which is just next door so our rooms are like literally next to each other. I could hear her coughin the whole nite. I feel so sad for her. Each time I remember, I will say a prayer for her to get well. I really do not want her to die nor leave us. I believe she deserve a second chance in life. To see her children grow.... to grow old with mike.

That is what I want in life. I good man to live till death do us part. Is that so hard? A person who can stand my tantrums.. and such.

Maybe I am just seeking to find some solace from work which isn't working. Work is making me crawl up the wall.

Anyways... i am just going to keep going... and *!@#&(!*&@# the two screwed up fella.

All about choices aye?

So Belfong says its all about choices. Yeah but I have to live with the choice i made later on. I can leave sure why not. Anytime i can just write and print out the letter and go. But after that what? WHAT?

That's the FEAR! I guess people who have jobs they love won't have this worry.

ITs all about uncertainty..

I went for an int yesterday. GWiloo interview one wor. So different ... He even suggested working from hom.... if safety is my concern about working late Which is absolutely great! I hope i have a chance in getting the deal. But there is a second interview.

You know, a friend picked me up from the LRT station yesterday for the int. And he saw me he said why you still so happy when you job sucks and you plan to leave without another job. I told him,coz i already decided mah. If i can't take it I will just tender loh. HE said, sommore you can laugh. Then what am i suppose to do hor!?!??!!

sigh.... i guess a person reading would think i am a totally confused person.

Fong! did you read my reply to the very pally thingy?

where are you lah!?!?!?! can't chat with you liao.. :((((((

i miss all the chatting days... ARRRGH

its friday i don't have to go to work otmorrow but that poor freshie dba has to.. i pity him. And the senior guy was so blunt with him today. I mean how can he do that to another human being... Gosh.. what a fucked up person.
I know its just a matter of time before he screams at me too.

Life.....
So Fong! you're lucky in a lot of sense and your team too.
I was at the office till 8 but that freshie was still there!!!!!! and the manager has the guts to tell us to have a nice weekend in our faces when that poor guy was there.. thinking "WHAT NICE WEEEKEND?" I HAVE TO BLOODEEE WORK.

people just don't have mercy these days.

So fong when are we going to go to the thai whatever club thingy?

I can cry if I want to....

OH WOW! What a shit day. As shitty as it can get. Had a horrendous episode at my new work today. Counting that its just my 8th day. This is the first time i lost my temper so fast in a new env. Anyways... just one sentence. THEY ARE ALL BLOODEE FUCKED UP IDIOTS!

I am looking to move. Why the R place hasn't called!!!! WHY!!!!! called my home but didn't call me!!!! WHAT WHAT WHAT THE THE THE SHITS

I really can't take it any longer. Now have to do coding also. WHAT THE SHIT!
Like that hsould have stayed in O rite? Salary higher but work till 7pm everyday.... not worth it lah. Better keep the money....

So sien lah.....................................................

One thing i have realized, during this crucial period in my life , I found out who are my friends.. So its good in a sense. I even have an ex team mate in AU called me over the phone to see how I am and trying to help me get my resume in there.

I need a break. I got one but it turned out to be the wrong one. I pray very hard that I can leave this shit hole soon.

Please grant me the sanity to be able to live another day till the rite one comes along.

Good luck coming

Okie I am trying to create positive vibes. At work, I boh chap liao. Coz I know I can give my 24 hour anytime hahaha.. YOOOOOO feels good man. So don't give two shits on the senior who is such an idiot. Second thing is that i found he and the idiot boss veyr pally but at work show that they are not in good terms?!??!?! why??? for what shit??? dont' get all this china man mentality

Gosh.. the manager cant' even speak well.. tergugap gugap like that.

Anyways.. I went for a int today. and was short listed but i need to spend 4 hours with them on monday so now i need to think it over. And 2 more company called. one called my house and didn't bother to call me back on my mobile. Why are some people so gong gong one

pray fr me lah.. really need a good one so can stay for at least 1 year before I go to AU.

what should be da next solution

Monday came, monday went. Tuesday is here. what have i achieved. Nothing but more misery. I think I need to end this cycle of depression.

What the next decision on this. To leave or not to leave. Tomorrow probably have to work till 3-4am. Sigh... what a dits.

not in the mood to write. so miserable.

Friday once more

My working life to date, I have only been working 5 days week. But recently there was an opening in a bank that works 5.5 days a week but 1st and 3rd Sat off. I wonder what will I do if i get the offer considering, over here right now, its just been 5 days here but its has been such a long week.

Let me just give a quick background. On monday 21st June, the day which was suppose to mark my new life and new career. But it turned out to be a total disaster. The env is so different from what was stipulated earlier during the interview. The manager has no stands and from what I can see, he doesn't know what the HECK he is doing. I should have followed by Guts then when I got the offer letter and felt there was something not right.

For the next one, I have to use my gut feeling and also ask the right questions. I hope it will be better.

I have to look forward to a better lifstyle and a happier but I dont' think I have to compromise on my salary. Will still ask for what I am getting here now. I pray and hope that I will be blessed with the next job.

For these past few days, I have been totally distressed. I am so glad that I have a mom who is so supportive. Unfortunately, my dad is just so otherwise.

But sometimes, I wonder, if i even know what I want. From the very first day I step foot back to Malaysia and to the working world, I have already decided that I wanted a 5 day job, never ever a 5.5 day job. I wanted a job with a multinational company. I have had that for the last 8 years of my working life but it seems I am still not happy. So the question would be, What exactly would I want.

Now this new job, it is a 5 day a week job but then you're expected to work late and also come in on sat! So at the end of the day.... what do you have? Nothing.

So i probably should keep an open mind about working on alternate sat!

At work at 7am?

Sometimes as they say its better the devil you know. I have been discontented with the working hours during consulting and I was tremendously disappointed that the expectation was not made right during the interview.

I need to leave this forsaken place. I dont' yet what i want to do but i forsee alot of crap. I dont' believe I want my life to be this way. So what to do now.

I am quite certain that I will not stay long. So its time to contact all my... people again and get help.

Belfong, can help or not? Your place got openings or not? Pre sales also okay..

The walking Zombie

It has been awhile since I have had any good sleep at all. And this morning I was up already at 3am. I am just too caught up with this inability of mine and I have to make a decision soon.

I do not thinking leading my life this way is the rite way to go.

Whats the plan? Called Jee Ku but he is in KK right now. Can't hear him well. Well just do it loh. No choice liao. What else is there man......

I will call Fenny today and see how that goes.

Anticipation

Its Sunday. But since ysterday(sat) i haven't stopped thinking about Monday which is tomorrow. I will begin a new chapter in my life tomorrow. But I am afraid. Afraid of the unknown. I keep seeing the Manager's face. THe first interview that they gave me really hard time. Then i got a call from an ex col who told me 10 years ago , that was where he worked?? ARRGGGH WHy didn't he tell me earlier??? I dont' know lah. Doesnt' have a good vibe about tomorrow. But i have to try! Coz i need to at least get some money first before I decide what i want to do.

But since yesterday, I have already decided that I want to Leave this LINE of work! WHY coz its just a crazy uninteresting Field of work. After 8 years in this.... and not liking and forcing myself to wake up each morning and drag myself to work, I think I have to seriously consider another profession. With another Profession would mean a huge pay cut too. But will that compensate the happiness...?

One biggest fear of mine is that I might be able to do the job! Sigh. ANother thing is financial industry wor... cannot YAHOO msg and access YAHOO email leh.. DIE DIE.....

Hopefully that story ain't true.....

Pray pray pray .. and tmorrow need to find parking sommore.. sigh.

Don't want to work late and now have to work late during month end.. what the SHIT!